Line, Please?

     I couldn’t stop shaking.  A combination of the chill in the air and my own anxiety had a hold over my body.  These people didn’t know me yet, what would they think of me?  What if I tried too hard and nobody laughed?  I could never recover from that!  Thoughts like these swirled in my mind as I sat in my first class at the Performing Arts Academy.  I had no idea then that the academy would change my life, but it did.

     I enjoy order; knowing what to do and when to do it.  I can excel in areas where something must be prepared because I can’t stand not being prepared.  Making lists and checking things off of those lists make me feel capable, confident, and elevates my self-esteem.  As you can imagine, the unexpected puts my mind into an absolute frenzy.  So then, put me into a situation where I am totally unprepared, have to work with people I don’t know to create a skit that I don’t feel confident in, to present before the entire class of said people that I don’t know.  I was given all of the ingredients to create my own mental disaster.

What I've Been Doing Wrong

     I have been doing everything wrong.  Living for myself, yet claiming to serve God.  Choosing things I thought that I wanted.  Choosing to care so much about what others thought.
      I have been stuck.  So confused about what I wanted, what God wanted, what others expected of me.  How can you talk to someone about a problem that you don't even understand yourself?
     I am constantly trying to improve myself.  It all started back in Jr. high.  At that time in my life, I did everything half-heartedly, particularly my school work.  But one day, I decided to write down a few goals for myself.  One of these goals was to give my all in school.  That was enough to cause me to try harder than I ever had.  Just trying my best in school caused me to want to try to do my best in everything.  Setting goals constantly.
      I write them all down.  In fact, I still have the original list of goals from Jr. high.  And I know that this goal setting and perfectionism didn't happen overnight.  I'm a born perfectionist to a fault, but that perfectionism took on a different form with my goal setting.
     There are so many good things about my perfectionism, but there are also some really bad ones.  Like for instance, I over think everything, analyzing every last detail and I'm quick to jump to conclusions, even if they may just be in my mind and not reality.
      Perhaps this is where I have come to the point of caring so much what everyone thinks of me.  The fact that I think so much causes me to think that others do too, that they're analyzing everything that I do.  This has caused me to be selfish, thinking only of life through my lens, how it is for me, not thinking about how other people feel.
      Social situations are tricky.  I'm not a very big personality, I would much rather be in smaller groups of people, than large groups of people.  In the life of a teen today, it's so much about being funny.  People like funny people because people like to laugh.  Unfortunately, I don't consider myself a very funny person.
      Often, in group situations, it feels like people say and do things just to get noticed.  As if they couldn't for a moment go unnoticed.  Now that sounds condemning, but I promise it's not.  It's not a condemnation because I can admit to it myself.
     I hate when people say,"you're so quiet!"  I know that I'm quiet, but I'm trying.  I like to make my words count.  So much of what gets said is just fluff, unnecessary words used to fill time.

17 Things I Have Learned in 17 Years

1.  When you stop caring what other people think, you are free.

2.  You have the most fun when you step out of your comfort zone.

3.  Be inquisitive.  The worst thing that can happen is someone saying no.

4.  Channel your interests.  Find something you love doing and focus on that.

5.  Do not quit.

6.  You must find the balance between humble and confident.

7.  Speak up.  You're not doing anyone a favor by not talking.

8.  Set goals for yourself.  It will give your life purpose.

9.  Be kind to everyone you meet, you never know what effect you may have on others.

10.  Don't worry, it accomplishes nothing.

11.  Always be on time and give 100%.

12.  If you have the chance to do something good, do it.

13.  Think before you speak.

14.  Don't hold onto THINGS, crave EXPERIENCES.

15.  Friendships aren't about quantity, but quality.

16.  Knowledge is powerful and valuable.

17.  Chase your dreams, they may become reality.

Why I'm Glad Senior Year Exists

      Next year I'll be a senior in high school.  My junior year has been memorable for many reasons.  There have been some high highs and some really low lows, but mostly, it has been a period of discovery and change.
     I can't share all of the things that happened, but I can say that many of them have shaped my perspective.  I look at the world with different eyes.  I feel like I've been sleeping my whole life have just now woken up.
     I've always lived in a protected bubble (I still do).  I'm homeschooled, I live in a small town, my parents are Chrisitans (so am I), and there are many things that I haven't experienced because of that.  That doesn't make my life good or bad.  It all depends on how you look at it.  In my opinion, I'm very fortunate to have such good parents who love me so much and only want the best for me.
     However, I have had to deal with some of the repercussions of being homeschooled.  Homeschooling fosters social awkwardness and loneliness that is hard to overcome.  While it has many benefits, it has some disadvantages, mostly psychologically.
      No one can understand what it can do to you until they experience it themselves.  A lot of homeschoolers have siblings at home with them, also being homeschooled.  I do not.  My only brother went to school a few years ago and I remained homeschooled (by choice).  This was probably the right path, but also a hard one.
     When you are alone, your biggest struggle is your mind.  It can become your worst enemy.  This creates a problem because, when you are homeschooled, you have to try harder to establish connections socially, you have to be confident.  How can you be confident when you're tearing yourself apart?  You can't.
     That's where I was... for a long time.  The problem was that there were other issues going on around me, making my problems seem small.  It was really easy to push them away, to deny their existence.  That was the worst thing that I could have done.
      There was nowhere to turn.  No one I felt that I could confide in, because I couldn't even admit to myself what the problem was.  I was depressed.  The most freeing thing I did was admitting to myself that I was depressed.  Saying it out loud.  Sobbing, my body shaking, letting it all out to my mom, more than once.  I had kept it bottled up inside for so long, I didn't realize how much it weighed me down.  I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
      I can't say that I'm depressed now.  I can say that my perspective has changed.  I look at things more cynically, yet I am always looking for ways to improve myself.  I know that this year has been the start of the journey that is life.  I'm so thrilled to be growing and changing.  Even if change hurts.

Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World

     The full title of the book is Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World: Finding Intimacy with God in the Busyness of Life.  This book was all about meshing the two sisters together (Mary and Martha), the two ends of the spectrum, and remaking yourself into the woman that God wants you to be, one who passionately strives to attain intimacy with the Lord.
     Joanna Weaver starts out by recounting the well-known story of Mary and Martha.  She describes Martha as being flustered and working hard because she wants to do her very best for Jesus.  However, as she is doing all of this work, she discovers that her sister not only isn't doing anything, but is sitting at the feet of Jesus in a room with all of the men.  Becoming incensed with her sister, she decides to bring this injustice to the Master's attention.  She is astounded when he says that Mary has done the right thing.
     Mrs. Weaver goes on to say that this is how most of us feel.  We, like Martha, want the Lord to take notice of all that we do for him, when all He really wants is our undivided attention.  He wants us to desire to hear Him speak more than anything else.
     This doesn't mean that we shouldn't also work to honor the Lord, but we need to learn to say no.  Anything that gets in the way of time with the Lord should be eliminated, even if it is a good thing in and of itself.
     I learned more about both Martha and Mary in this study.  Though we can only speculate what their thoughts and intentions were, I think I have a better grasp on each of their situations.  Martha wanted to please the Lord with her service.  She wanted everything to be perfect for Him.  So, instead of trying to listen to the Lord, she tried to impress Him.  Even today we have the same struggle.  We want to do and impress and put up a good front, when we should really be focused on our relationship with the Jesus.
     Mary desired to be with the Lord.  She was pulled in by His presence and she understood that there was nothing better that she could do than sitting and listening at His feet.
     As I started this study, I called Martha a doer and Mary a thinker.  Martha was focused on works and Mary on the heart.  Though Mary was right, Martha was not completely wrong, she just had her priorities skewed.  The Lord loves it when we work for His glory, but not if that gets in the way of our relationship with Him.
     I see myself as being more like Martha.  I'm the classic perfectionist and I want to do things to please God, others, and even myself.  I could look completely put together and no one would know that my walk with Christ was lacking, because from the outside, it looked perfect.
     But trying to do everything perfectly without listening to the Lord has a lot of consequences.  You pour yourself out in work for His glory, causing unnecessary stress and tension and then you have no way to fill yourself back up again.  This is where I often find myself.  If you build a tower without a foundation, it's going to fall down.
     All throughout this book, I found things that spoke to me.  Chapter three deals with worry, which I feel is prevalent in most people's lives (including mine).  Though we all do it, worrying is something God commands us not to do, many times!

Happiness is...

I saw this and thought it looked really fun and light, especially after my last post.;)  I'm going to tell you some of the things that put me in my happy place.  So without further ado, the Happy Tag.

"HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.
PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE
TELLING THE TIME.
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.
TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.
HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
KNOWING A SECRET.
CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.
HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU."

Happiness from the musical "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown"

Books

All of the Hunger games books

The Betsy-Tacy Series

The Selection Series

The Scorch Trials

All American Girl Books :)

Words

Gingerly

Faith

Peace