Line, Please?

     I couldn’t stop shaking.  A combination of the chill in the air and my own anxiety had a hold over my body.  These people didn’t know me yet, what would they think of me?  What if I tried too hard and nobody laughed?  I could never recover from that!  Thoughts like these swirled in my mind as I sat in my first class at the Performing Arts Academy.  I had no idea then that the academy would change my life, but it did.

     I enjoy order; knowing what to do and when to do it.  I can excel in areas where something must be prepared because I can’t stand not being prepared.  Making lists and checking things off of those lists make me feel capable, confident, and elevates my self-esteem.  As you can imagine, the unexpected puts my mind into an absolute frenzy.  So then, put me into a situation where I am totally unprepared, have to work with people I don’t know to create a skit that I don’t feel confident in, to present before the entire class of said people that I don’t know.  I was given all of the ingredients to create my own mental disaster.

What I've Been Doing Wrong

     I have been doing everything wrong.  Living for myself, yet claiming to serve God.  Choosing things I thought that I wanted.  Choosing to care so much about what others thought.
      I have been stuck.  So confused about what I wanted, what God wanted, what others expected of me.  How can you talk to someone about a problem that you don't even understand yourself?
     I am constantly trying to improve myself.  It all started back in Jr. high.  At that time in my life, I did everything half-heartedly, particularly my school work.  But one day, I decided to write down a few goals for myself.  One of these goals was to give my all in school.  That was enough to cause me to try harder than I ever had.  Just trying my best in school caused me to want to try to do my best in everything.  Setting goals constantly.
      I write them all down.  In fact, I still have the original list of goals from Jr. high.  And I know that this goal setting and perfectionism didn't happen overnight.  I'm a born perfectionist to a fault, but that perfectionism took on a different form with my goal setting.
     There are so many good things about my perfectionism, but there are also some really bad ones.  Like for instance, I over think everything, analyzing every last detail and I'm quick to jump to conclusions, even if they may just be in my mind and not reality.
      Perhaps this is where I have come to the point of caring so much what everyone thinks of me.  The fact that I think so much causes me to think that others do too, that they're analyzing everything that I do.  This has caused me to be selfish, thinking only of life through my lens, how it is for me, not thinking about how other people feel.
      Social situations are tricky.  I'm not a very big personality, I would much rather be in smaller groups of people, than large groups of people.  In the life of a teen today, it's so much about being funny.  People like funny people because people like to laugh.  Unfortunately, I don't consider myself a very funny person.
      Often, in group situations, it feels like people say and do things just to get noticed.  As if they couldn't for a moment go unnoticed.  Now that sounds condemning, but I promise it's not.  It's not a condemnation because I can admit to it myself.
     I hate when people say,"you're so quiet!"  I know that I'm quiet, but I'm trying.  I like to make my words count.  So much of what gets said is just fluff, unnecessary words used to fill time.

17 Things I Have Learned in 17 Years

1.  When you stop caring what other people think, you are free.

2.  You have the most fun when you step out of your comfort zone.

3.  Be inquisitive.  The worst thing that can happen is someone saying no.

4.  Channel your interests.  Find something you love doing and focus on that.

5.  Do not quit.

6.  You must find the balance between humble and confident.

7.  Speak up.  You're not doing anyone a favor by not talking.

8.  Set goals for yourself.  It will give your life purpose.

9.  Be kind to everyone you meet, you never know what effect you may have on others.

10.  Don't worry, it accomplishes nothing.

11.  Always be on time and give 100%.

12.  If you have the chance to do something good, do it.

13.  Think before you speak.

14.  Don't hold onto THINGS, crave EXPERIENCES.

15.  Friendships aren't about quantity, but quality.

16.  Knowledge is powerful and valuable.

17.  Chase your dreams, they may become reality.

Why I'm Glad Senior Year Exists

      Next year I'll be a senior in high school.  My junior year has been memorable for many reasons.  There have been some high highs and some really low lows, but mostly, it has been a period of discovery and change.
     I can't share all of the things that happened, but I can say that many of them have shaped my perspective.  I look at the world with different eyes.  I feel like I've been sleeping my whole life have just now woken up.
     I've always lived in a protected bubble (I still do).  I'm homeschooled, I live in a small town, my parents are Chrisitans (so am I), and there are many things that I haven't experienced because of that.  That doesn't make my life good or bad.  It all depends on how you look at it.  In my opinion, I'm very fortunate to have such good parents who love me so much and only want the best for me.
     However, I have had to deal with some of the repercussions of being homeschooled.  Homeschooling fosters social awkwardness and loneliness that is hard to overcome.  While it has many benefits, it has some disadvantages, mostly psychologically.
      No one can understand what it can do to you until they experience it themselves.  A lot of homeschoolers have siblings at home with them, also being homeschooled.  I do not.  My only brother went to school a few years ago and I remained homeschooled (by choice).  This was probably the right path, but also a hard one.
     When you are alone, your biggest struggle is your mind.  It can become your worst enemy.  This creates a problem because, when you are homeschooled, you have to try harder to establish connections socially, you have to be confident.  How can you be confident when you're tearing yourself apart?  You can't.
     That's where I was... for a long time.  The problem was that there were other issues going on around me, making my problems seem small.  It was really easy to push them away, to deny their existence.  That was the worst thing that I could have done.
      There was nowhere to turn.  No one I felt that I could confide in, because I couldn't even admit to myself what the problem was.  I was depressed.  The most freeing thing I did was admitting to myself that I was depressed.  Saying it out loud.  Sobbing, my body shaking, letting it all out to my mom, more than once.  I had kept it bottled up inside for so long, I didn't realize how much it weighed me down.  I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
      I can't say that I'm depressed now.  I can say that my perspective has changed.  I look at things more cynically, yet I am always looking for ways to improve myself.  I know that this year has been the start of the journey that is life.  I'm so thrilled to be growing and changing.  Even if change hurts.

Happiness is...

I saw this and thought it looked really fun and light, especially after my last post.;)  I'm going to tell you some of the things that put me in my happy place.  So without further ado, the Happy Tag.

"HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.
PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE
TELLING THE TIME.
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.
TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.
HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
KNOWING A SECRET.
CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.
HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU."

Happiness from the musical "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown"

Books

All of the Hunger games books

The Betsy-Tacy Series

The Selection Series

The Scorch Trials

All American Girl Books :)

Words

Gingerly

Faith

Peace

A Letter to My Future Self

     Recently, I had a friend that turned 18.  That's so crazy to me!  I'm 16 years old and it doesn't feel real.  My high school years are going quickly and I know that the pace will only increase.
     I had thought that it would be fun to write a letter to read to myself in the future.  I think it would just be so interesting to see the changes that happen and to look back.  So, I have decided to write a letter to my future 18 year old self (1 and 1/2 years from now).

18 Year Old Me,
     How do I even begin?  I have so many hopes for you.  So many goals I hope you will achieve and dreams that I hope will come true for you.
     You're graduating high school!  Applause for that!  Your life will look a lot different from here on out.
     I hope that no matter where you ended up, high school matured you.  I hope that you feel confident in your abilities but maintain humility.  I also hope that you believe you are brave, that you can do whatever you want.
    If you've had boy troubles, remember Who loves you the most, if you have a boyfriend, remember to keep God at the center of your relationship, and if you haven't met him yet, don't be restless.  The Lord will work in you mightily in this time of singleness.  He will work out His perfect plan in your life.
     Please take risks.  Put yourself out there.  You'll never know unless you try.  Nothing can stand against you that you can't overcome with God.
     Go live life.  Experience things and do it all with a positive outlook.  Hold back what you want to say, and only and say what Jesus would say.  Model your life after His.
     Don't worry if the situation out of high school isn't ideal.  It's ok if you have to work or attend junior college.  Maybe it's not what you want, but you must follow God's leading.
     Which reminds me, your relationship with Him is the most important thing you will ever have.  Treasure it and do not turn away from it.
     Your family is VERY important to you!  This last year and a half is probably the last time you will all live together.  I hope you made the most of it!
     Please keep running.  Take care of your body.  Don't let your love of dessert get in the way of feeling good about yourself and the way you look. :)
     If you don't feel beautiful or capable, remember the pageant.  Remember what it was like to be queen and how special you felt.  You looked so beautiful!
     Surround yourself with good friends and expand your horizons.  Don't struggle to fit in, push to stand out.  Don't worry if you're not always accepted or if you are looked down upon.  What people think doesn't matter.
      This is your life.  You didn't waste time, you didn't throw away opportunities, you were never inadequate.  Life happens, and it's not always perfect.  People are not perfect, and neither are you.  Don't ever beat yourself up for something you did or didn't do.
     Be secure in who you are and you will not fail.
                                                               Love,
                                                                  16 year old you

Getting To Know Me

     So, I know that through the enormous expanse of the internet, it's hard for you as the reader to connect with me, the blog author.  I want to change that.  Before I start posting content, I want my readers to know what kind of a person is on the other side of the screen.

10 Important Facts About Me

     1. I am a Christian.  The one thing that I want people to know about me and remember is that I am a Christian.  Being a Christian defines who I am.  It controls the way I live.  Everything I do is for God's glory.
      Now that doesn't mean that I always do things perfectly.  I know that my family in particular can attest to the fact that I sin often, that I make mistakes a lot.  But I'm a sinner saved by grace.  God's love is so infinite that it covers my sin.  I try to do better, and that's how I live.  Every day, striving to become more like Jesus Christ.
      2. I am Home schooled.  Ever since kindergarten, I have learned at home, whereas the majority of kids go to a public school.  While it can sometimes be hard and lonely, it has been so beneficial.  I honestly believe that because of the way I have been learning, I have been able to learn more, and enjoy it.
     Home schooling isn't for everyone.  My brother (who is currently in 8th grade) attends the local school, last year was his first year.  Home schooling be lonely, you may not have as many friends or be able to take part in as many activities.  I know that in my case though it has made me who I am.  I'd like to think of myself as a driven and mature individual.  While I may not have some of the life experience that others do, I have been able to focus more on my growth as a person.  Even though it's not always ideal, I know this was the best path for me.
      3. I have never had a boyfriend and desire to remain sexually pure.  Another effect of homeschooling has been that I have not had the opportunity to meet as many guys.  And that's ok for now.  I don't think that relationships have to be necessary in the teen years.  There will be plenty of time for boy-girl, but now I can grow in my walk with the Lord.  That doesn't mean I don't want a boyfriend or want attention sometimes.  It just means that I'm waiting.
      I have committed to staying pure for my husband.  So kissing is as far as I get with anyone before marriage.  If you have an interest in this subject or need perspective on it, And the Bride Wore White is a great book.